I'm beginning to get distracted out here.

Sometimes you need to step away from a problem for a few, not even think about it.

Then when you get back to it, you'll see it in a new light and catch things you previously missed.

That's why I'm here fucking off.

I hear where you're coming from. But ever since I went into Mr. Caliburns home to check on Hannah's mom...

I haven't been able to walk away from this. And it's weird for me.

Let's look at it like this.

There's a mouse. And there's a very hungry cat after that mouse.

Then there's this second cat that's trying to protect the mouse. But compared to first cat, it is declawed. Plus it's well fed. It knows how the first fight thinks and fights, but it can't fight to it's level nor does it have the drive to.

And the mouse? It doesn't trust either of the cats.

Finally, the second cat doesn't even know where the mouse is, that it's trying to protect.

That is how I see my situation.

That is why I want to find something pretty and have some stiff drinks.

Sucks to be a loner, I guess.

I have no idea what you're on about.

Yeah, I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Everyone tells me it sucks to be a loner.

Maybe so.

Misery is a choice.

Certainly the decisions we make that lead to misery are choices.

But you're right. I need to find a way out of this funk. Or it'll kill me.

And that's not a choice I intend to make.

Nemesis wrote:That is why I want to find something pretty and have some stiff drinks.

I can think of unhealthier ways of coping but that doesn't mean this isn't cause for concern.

Sebastian,

Just so I can be sure I am understanding what you're saying...

Are you suggesting that going out to have a good time is... a cause for concern?

If I read your mouse story correctly, you're not looking for a good time.
You're looking to cope.
If you're looking for a way to cope, then, yes, you're behaviour is concerning.
As I said in my post, I'm talking about coping.
As for having a good time, I'll reserve judgement.
After all you believe that I have both a stick up my ass and am void of a sense of humour.

I think that perhaps your humor is merely very, very VERY dry.

But okay, so I want to cope.

I could just walk away. It's not my little mouse anyway. But there's a little baby mouse who will miss their daddy mouse. And's it that little baby mouse I can't walk away from, I guess.

So how do I cope? I'm pretty sure I'm in over my head here. Even if I find the mouse, I do not know how long I can protect it. Or if it'll let me.

I gotta keep my mind in the game. For once, someone is genuinely depending on me.

Is the little mouse depending solely on you?
What are the rest of us here for?
The problem is not that you are alone and the little mouse has nobody but you.
The problem could be that you're foisting this upon yourself, and perhaps thereby forcing the little mouse to rely on you exclusively...while the little mouse might be thinking there's more than just you.

Okay sure. I'll step aside and everyone is welcome to do what they can.

Not like it was ever my problem to begin with so there's no reason not to walk away, right?

The mice can fend for themselves. Actually, I'm sure the rest of the Zoo will step up and take care of it.

I've got money I haven't spent yet. Some rest on the beach would be just the thing, I'm sure.

Quite the opposite, Nemesis.
I'm not advocating that you walk away.
I'm advocating that you don't shut out others in the endeavour.
Your need for secrecy is no doubt preventing full cooperation?
It's good that you're talking about it but try to be a little less black and white.

Good, cause I was lying. I ain't walking away.

And I haven't been chasing people away. I even put out a plea for help. Some have answered.

Heck, I've come to terms that I may have to get close enough to Mr. Caliburn that he might be able to make me.

Then there was that whole episode with Mack. I wonder what's taking him so long, anyway?

Christ, I've broken just about all my most important rules right there.

I think my ole Da would flip.

Then it seems like progress.
The past should be a springboard, not a hammock.

I...

Maybe you're right. The whole reason I'm doing this comes back to my ole da.

Steps in the right direction.
Keep them up.
You're a fine person when you're not a mercenary.

skeptic wrote:Steps in the right direction.
Keep them up.
You're a fine person when you're not a mercenary.

You know, it was way easier to accept Hannah calling me a bad person than anyone calling me a 'fine' person. One I believe.

Look, if you're looking for more insight, it's here.

I find positive reinforcement to be effective.
I also have a personal policy of always being upfront and honest with people.
I mean what I say.

If you prefer to focus on Hannah, that's fine, too.
You're still doing this for reasons anathema to mercenary, but not to human.

I am perhaps too much of a distraction. I trust you will tell me if that is the case.
If so, we can pick up after you've helped the Caliburns out of their predicament. If you choose to, of course.

Well Sebastian,

You've given me a lot to think about but I need to go find my little mouse.

And if you happen to find yourself in the DC area over the next little while, let me know. I could use all the help I can get right now.

I called around when it first started going down but nobody knew anything at the time.
And then shit blew up in my own face.
I just wrapped up dealing with that mess, so travel might even be an option now. My reach tends to be longer than my arms, still, being there might help.
I'll tell you how to contact me, you decide what you do with it.

The suspense! It burns us precious. It burns!

I hate waiting. I think I'm going to go do something stupid.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?


All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep - while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?


Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allan Poe

Are you having an identity crisis?

No.

I'm trying to get inside someone elses head.

If you were a nightmare given form, what would you do if your prey eluded you?

Promptly seek professional medical attention.

Do insane people generally think they're insane? If they do not think they are insane, they will not seek any medical attention because they will not feel they need it.

You're answering the question as though it were you with your sanity and beliefs intact.

Think about it from the lunatics point of view. What would do then?

You are able to impersonate the one person you loathe with every fibre of your being. You are hunting for them. Yet so far they have eluded you. What do you do?

Perhaps you're just too rational and sane to get inside this things head.

Maybe it's time to go a little crazy.

My response was a suggestion for you to act upon.
It was not an answer to your question.

And from personal experience, "going a little crazy", isn't wise.