A Totally Dull Story about Camping (and some Demon Bears)

[Daichan]

Right, so I'm actually sort of embarressed about even mentioning this, because it was totally boring and you're wasting your time by reading this.

Seriously. Your time would be better spent reading about Wie's adventures. Or if you like action and kick butt girls, read about a summer vacation that Nemmy had.

Perhaps you have the worst luck in the world? I bet Ron would disagree!

What? Still reading this crap? Okay, tell you what. Go play a game. Clearly you don't have anything better to do anyway.

You're not going away, are you? Fiiiine. I'll tell you about it, but it's not going to be interesting.

So Sparks and I (who really is awesome and probably the only interesting part of this whole story) decided to go on a road trip to the Rockies in order to cut loose. Well okay, some tourists from the old country contacted me about their missing little girl but whatever.

I was totally just doing it to try out my new hog. There's nothing like having 1000cc's of American muscle humming between your thighs....

ANYWAY, I guess them bikers didn't think a little girl like me could handle it but they changed their tune after we burned down their stupid little bar. Which, totally happened by the way. Why didn't you see it on the news? Probably because them Heck's Cherubs were embarressed being messed up by a couple frails like us, I suppose. So maybe they didn't tell anyone. But it totally happened.

So we get to the Rockies, kill a demon bear, rescue the girl, get attacked by some more demon bears then something boring happened and we rode off into the sunset.

Like I said, boring, right?

Laters!

There Sparks, I totally told the story so you can get off my back.

[Sparks]

LIke hell you get off that easy, missy. No fun being on this page if you aren't going to talk about what happened, y'know.

Fine.

A few weeks ago I was having my Ben and Jerry's hour while watching some old Springsteen concert footage (I don't judge you about how you spend your free time, so shush). That's when Daichan comes knocking at my door.

"Hey Sparks, ever go bear hunting in the Rockies?" She asked, all cheerful-like.

I gawked at her, arching a brow, "...nooooo."

"Ya wanna? Some tourists apparently saw something they called a demon bear so they got ahold of me to go check it out."

"Al...right." I said, shrugging, "I suppose I can a few days off work."

"Great!" she noted, stepping into my apartment, "Pack light though, we're taking my Harley."

I blinked at her, "You have a bike?"

"Sure do! Some big fat guy with a bandanna round his head sold it to me for 20 dollars large. Seemed trustworthy. Real old fashioned too, willing to make the deal on a handshake and no need for paperworks."

"Uh huuuh." I responded, seemingly convinced that either she bought a fence or she was jipped.

It took some assurances that the bike was not in fact stolen before I went out to take a look at it - it was a Harley all right - dolled up in pink with a personalized license plate saying 'Daichan' on it.

Poor desecrated Harley.

Regardless, I can't say I've ever tangled with a demon 'bear' before, and was wondering if it wasn't just some tall tales drunk hunters in the Rockies have a lot of stories, after all.

I know what you're thinking. Sparks, you've seen the weird before, how are you still skeptical? 'cause I really do gotta see shite in order to believe it's real, and it just happens that I've seen a lot.

I figured at the very least though, I could get a nice relaxing vacation out of it.

[Daichan]

Fine Sparks. But no one needs to know about what you saw.

I'll try and get something posted tomorrow. Right now I feel like going out and partying.

[Gotham Witch]

And you two told me nothing happened. I feel hurt that you lied.

[Ronin]

You should know better, Daichan. I do not approve.

[Daichan]

I lie about a lot of things, GW. Sorry.

And lay off bro. It's my life.

Anyway, on with the story I guess.

Unless this will distract you?

No?

Fine.

How about this 0r this then?

Still no?

You need to get a life.

So we were cruising down the road and it was getting late so we pull over to get a room with a couple of beds at a motel. Of course it wasn't that late yet and there was a biker bar across the road so we decided to go wet our whistles.

We walk in like we own the place and belly up to the bar and order a couple drinks.

Sparks and I are looking over the crowd when this dude comes up to me and says, "You're the hottest thing I've seen in a long time." His breath stinks of cheap beer and he's looking down my top.

So I smile as sweetly as I can at him and I say, "Given the look of you and the rest of this place, I can't imagine you have high standards."

Guess he took offense to that. Guess everyone did because it got all quiet like and everyone was looking at us.

"I outta make you eat them words." He snears at me, trying to be all menacing and such. Doesn't come off to well since he's slurring his words and can't seem to stand to straight.

"What you need to do is eat a mint." Sparks put in her two sense, under her breath. Sort of.

Well, didn't take much more encouragement than that and we were surrounded by fat sweaty bikers all ready to put their hands on us. And then we were surrounded by hot sweaty bikers crying for their momma's.

What can I say? I hate pushy guys.

[Sparks]

Don't worry, nothing bad happened.

I totally didn't grab a guy's fingers and twist them around after Daichan did not headbutt a guy who tried to grab her. I never broke any bottles over people's heads, or beat a couple guys with a broken pool cue.

Of course, Daichan certainly did not throw anyone out of a window, either, and that guy who wasn't thrown into a table while his wrist was being torqued into a painful position was totally fine with covering the tab before we left, leaving us to go on our way.

1%ers are really nice folk. A bit fragile though.

Seriously Daichan. You said you'd tell a story about weird. Move it along already.

[Cybermancer]

Gah! TV Tropes!

Well, there goes any chance of getting anything productive done today. Thanks Daichan.

So let's hear what else didn't happen.

In the meantime I'll be wasting the day on TV Tropes.

[Daichan]

Don't blame me for your own slack and idle bones, Mr. Cybermancer.

Right. So after not trashing a bar and some bikers, we continued on to our destination. I could detail every stop but really, that actually would be boring.

Not that the rest of this isn't as well.

In any case we met with the tourists I mentioned. Except of course they weren't regular tourists. They were ghost hunting tourists. And they had come to America to see if they could catch pictures of a North American version of a demon bear. They'd found prints they were certain were correct. Don't ask me, I don't know the difference between demon bear prints and regular bear prints. They're the experts I guess.

Problem was, while we were in route, the couple's little girl got taken, and they were pretty sure by the same demon bear they had been tracking. Now I know what you're thinking, the idiots brought along their little girl to go demon bear hunting?!? I agree. They're idiots. But they were also smart enough to get ahold of me to come bail them out of their stupidity.

Sparks of course agreed we should go looking and hopefully we'd catch up to the kid before the authorities out looking for her ran afoul the bear.

And catch it we did.

But my brother is calling so I'll have to finish later.

[Daichan]

Sorry about that. It's been something of a crazy week. I'll get more into it some other time, maybe.

Anyway, the thing you gotta remember about a demon bear is that it looks like any other sort of bear. Not even one breed of bear but several. So it can be hard to tell if the 1000-2000lbs of angry snarling mess of fur and muscle is a demon or just one mightily pissed off bear.

There are tells, though. The demon bears, they stink. Like if you had a skunk that was the size of a bear, that's how they stink. I've seen grown men that were all macho and tough go down to retching just crossing the day old path of one of these things.

Oh, and sometimes they get crazy eyes. Like this: @_@ but with more fangs.

And I'm not talking cute little fangs like you might find on a pot-bellied pig, either.

In any case, it was the god awful stench that tipped me off that we were in the right area (and it was also the area the other searchers had been avoiding just because it stunk so bad). Sorry Sparks for not warning you bout it before hand. My bad.

Strangely we didn't actually see it before getting to its cave. I did see several suspicous prints though. So we made it to where the little girl was. She was alive and unconscious. Just as well, I guess. At least she didn't have to think about all the horrible ways that cave stunk.

Of course, we didn't get very far before we saw it again. Like waiting for us at the mouth of its cave. Clever little beastie had set a trap for us and we had walked right into it.

Too bad for it.

[Sparks]

Dear Lord, the smell. It took everything possible for me not hurl my guts out right then.

Daichan opened up with really big bear slugs almost right away, causing the thing to roar at us. Up close, it definitely wasn't very grizzly - it had long fingered claws and glowing red eyes. It also moved a lot faster than any bear I'd ever seen, nearly cutting Daichan in half as she leaped out of the way, continuing to unload. Unfortunately, despite the gaping wounds it didn't seem to be slowing it down.

I lifted my firearm - did I mention .500 S&W is awfully popular out here? - and aimed, firing shot after shot of high caliber round into it. That seemed to work a bit better than the thing staggered, bleeding something similar to but not quite like blood, before swatting the gun out of my hand and rearing up to take another blow.

Big mistake.

I clenched my fists and focused, before pushing both hands the bear and engulfing it in flames. The shaggy bastard reared back in agony, caught off guard just long enough for Daichan to take its head clean off with a swipe from a wicked looking katana.

Where the hell does she keep those things, anyway D?

The headless burning corpse quickly dissolved into what appeared to be burning twigs, insects, and I think a couple squirrels in there in a quickly blackening spot of dead leaves.

That's when we heard more howls.

Grand.

[Daichan]

So then something boring happened and we left.



The end.

[Sparks]

Tell the story, schoolgirl, or you're not getting discount drinks from work anymore.

[Daichan]

You are SOOO MEAN!

Fine.

Okay, so these things started coming out of the wood work. Which, to be honest, I sort of expected once Sparks started burning stuff. But I had no idea how many of these things were in the area exactly.

The first two to arrive were pretty tough, I'll admit. But Sparks was starting to really get her flame on and I was hacking and slashing and shooting to beat the band. So it took a lot of effort but they went down. And I figured that would be the end of it.

But then the little girl screamed, which sort of reminded us that she was there. It also alerted us to the fact that three more had arrived. And they were charging us. And by us, I mean Sparks. I'll give her credit, she burned one of them down to ashes before they got to her. Nor was I Idle, pumping rounds into a second. I nearly took it down before it got to her.

Unfortunately, two of them still go to her. She barely had time to tuck and roll as the beasts ran over her. It's not a pretty thing to watch a person get trampled and I was sincerely concerned about her health at that moment. At the very least, she was unconscious. At the time I thought she might actually be dead.

Of course a more immediate concern were the two demon bears who were not slowing down and, if you'll excuse the pun, were bearing down on me. What was a girl to do?

Well obviously I finished off the one I had started on and hoped I take the last one on my own.

Wouldn't you know it, that's when two more arrived.

Seriously, who knew that demon bears were pack animals?

You know what it's like? It was like playing one of those games with an unwinnable end because there's just going to be wave after wave of baddies to wear you down.

Facing off against three bears, I'm not proud of what happened next.

[Sparks]

Apparently I had one hell of a concussion going on as Daichan watched me hit the dirt. I remember having burned one of them nearly to the bone, and before that put bullets than I can remember bringing into another, followed by engulfing him in a circle of hot white flame.

When I'm pissed, I get really pissed.

But of course, they kept coming.

They were only kind of paying attention to Daichan, even though she probably posed the bigger threat. It's like bringing fire to the party personally offended them or something.

I remember knocking one back with a gout of flame, before pulling the trigger on him.

Empty. Of fucking course.

I didn't get a chance to follow up as another one slammed me so hard that I remember denting the tree with the impact, before hitting the ground. I managed to stagger to my feet just in time for him to follow up and body slam me as hard as he could, knocking me senseless.

Everything was sort of slow motion at that point. I remember Daichan panicking as the bear demon lumbered up to me, hefting me up by the collar as it prepared to take my damn head off with one well placed swipe. I remember the other ones crowding around me, wanting a piece of what was going to soon be my corpse.

I had the most interesting dream after that - probably addled by the concussion I had going on.

I remember Daichan turning all sparkly, like some sort of Japanese magical girl or something. Sparkles and rainbows and that silly transformation scene. Her outfit had ribbons and a short schoolgirl skirt and everything.

Yeah, it all sounds a bit delusional -and- racist.

In that vision, I remember the bears all turning to her, dropping my helpless ass as beams of light and steel - a naginata, I think? - began swinging. I distinctly remember the howls and screams as their numbers began to go down. I remember her going all berserking Kung Fu princess, jumping 40ft into the air before coming down and sending one flying into a young tree, snapping it clear in half - that was before I passed out, as she was in the middle of biting one in half.

Hey, I did say it was a concussion induced hallucination

[Daichan]

I assure you no bears were bitten in half in the saving of that little girl. Nor were there any rainbows or (gag) sparkles shooting out of anyones butt.

I just sort of got all rage princess on their posteriors.

So that's my big shame. I have anger control issues. I start seeing red and I just sort of hulk out. It may not seem like no big thing but it's weak not to be able to win a fight because of your own natural strengths, training, skill and brains.

I'm always testing myself against the things that go bump in the night and this time I bit off more than I could chew, even with Spark's help (which was much appreciated, by the way).

When it was all said and done, I was covered in blood and that poor little girl was screaming her poor head off. She's going to need therapy for a long, long time. The important thing is that we all walked away from it.

Of course the feds blamed it all on a pair of rogue bears that they found and shot. The little girl, they say, just wandered off on her own.

So the truth is suppressed, the family reunited and Sparks and I got fined for unauthorized fire in a park... I kid you not.

Alls well that ends well, I guess.

[Sparks]

The doctor at the nearby hospital said I had a pretty mild concussion, though he had more questions regarding the scrapes. I told him I fell down a mountain. I presume he believed me since he didn't ask anymore questions.

And yeah, that ticket was pretty bunk. Plenty of things cause fires in the mountains this time of year.

Ah well, we saved the kid. That's what matters in the end.

[Tms3]

nothing interesting happened ?!?!?!? What is that just a day in the office for you?????

[Gotham Witch]

I think this is Sparks and Daichan being Sparks and Daichan. I have a distinct feeling there's more to this story than they let on, but we probably shouldn't expect to pry it out of them.

[Natasha]

Regardless, I can't say I've ever tangled with a demon 'bear' before, and was wondering if it wasn't just some tall tales drunk hunters in the Rockies have a lot of stories, after all.

We actually fight against some bears in the far east once upon a time. I do wonder whether or not they are the same monsters.

[Sparks]

Regardless, I can't say I've ever tangled with a demon 'bear' before, and was wondering if it wasn't just some tall tales drunk hunters in the Rockies have a lot of stories, after all.

We actually fight against some bears in the far east once upon a time. I do wonder whether or not they are the same monsters.

If they smell like rotten eggs had an illicit affair with a manure factory and had long fingered paws with beady red eyes, maybe.

Bastards were uuuugly.

[Natasha]

A lot of the legends and lore of today are rooted in creative imaginations or are truth. Hard to tell the difference. While we cannot discount the drunk hunter, we can't exactly trust him either. Originally we thought these reports might have been mistaken identities - ask any cop, people can't explain what's right in front of them - and just maybe a larger than average bear. But instead they turned out to be supernatural.