I'm sorry

[concrete_Angel]

I know this most likely isn't the kind of thing that should be put here, but I've got to tell this to someone. I need to do this, to just remove this from my chest where it's sat there for God knows how long. With the whole rescue attempt, and the party afterwards, I didn't want to start burdening anyone with my petty issues, but I know that I have enough friends here to be understanding, and not make this into some big joke.

It started out with the trek into the dreamstream, to save Hannah. (The other details about the trip will be revealed later) One second I was surrounded by people, and Will was right in the middle of a sentence, everything just disappeared. Everything went cold, and my shoulder started to hurt with this intensely sharp pain. I couldn't even move it. I grabbed at it with my left hand, but the pain started to spread up to my neck, slowly wrapping around my throat. All of the scarring on my shoulder and neck started appearing again, bright red, as if the skin were about to burst. I started to repeat what I was told about dreams by Shadow, about my physical body being unharmed.

"Do not be so naive at that, Dear little Angel."

My blood froze. I looked in front of me, and I saw that face again. The face that destroyed my brother's mind. The face that killed my dad. The face that stole away my mother. Every inch of my body swelled with pain, and anger, and pure hatred. I felt every emotion building up, and I knew who deserved it all. I suddenly let loose a burst of every ounce of torture I've ever faced in my whole life. From death and tumult to my last ticket. It all deserved to be his. He should take it all.

It burst right into his face, exploding into a thousand razor shards. I fell to my knees with the effort, but when the smoke cleared, he was still standing, that smirk still frozen to his face.

"You thought THAT would help? I GAVE you that pain, you stupid girl! And look, now you can't even help yourself, can you? You are very stupid, really."

I wanted to scream at him, but my neck was in so much pain, I couldn't even make a noise. There he was, the man Shadow, and Logos, and KT, and everyone else was helping me to destroy, and he'll probably just end up killing me right now.

"I suppose I could, couldn't I?"

They'll never let you get away with this! I know you can hear me, they'll come after you.

"Hmh. Your 'friends', I suppose? they might search for me, but I doubt they'd be too interested. After all, they have their own problems before too long. Some things can never die, you know."

God, no!

"Besides, what makes you think they'd help the likes of you? You're no friend to them. A true friend never would lie, now would they?"

I never lied to anyone! Wait, you're just some crazy asshole psycho-killer. Why should I even listen to you?

"Because you know I'm right. And what would your 'friends' think if they knew who you really were, eh? If they knew what you've done?"

What are you talking about?

"Trying to pretend it was some childish phase, eh? I don't blame you. After all, it's not every little girl who gets violated at twelve."

.....

"No snappy remarks? I know you remember. You were twelve years old, which made your brother about seventeen, correct? And, after all, seventeen year old males tend to be interested in the opposite sex, do you agree?"

......................

"Still no? Well. Perhaps I should tell your 'friends' about your brother's indiscretions? Or was that your idea?"

no, no, stop!!! stop it!

"Deep down, you truly wanted it, didn't you? That's why you agreed the second time. You secretly wanted him for your own."

stop, please!!

"And when he started to ignore you, so he could date other girls, you just couldn't take it, could you? Even now, you can't stand that he loved his darling Rose more than he loved you."

oh, God! I can't take this anymore! please, just stop!

"Only you can stop this, you sick little pervert! Your own disgusting desires got you this. No wonder your mother chose to leave. You made her sick, too. You're no good to anyone. You can't even save yourself, why pretend to save the world? You don't deserve your 'friends'. You deserve nothing."

He started laughing at me, loud and long. The pain was screaming again, twisting my body around so I could no longer look at his face. I closed my eyes and just kept crying, my mind begging it to stop. I still heard him when a hand suddenly grabbed me, and pulled me away. I felt myself being stretched out onto something soft, probably a bed. Something was taken out of my hand, and my wrists were being wrapped in cloth. I could still hear his laughter, and I didn't know what he wanted to do to me. But then, I heard a familiar voice.

"Susan, please wake up! You have to stop this!"

I opened my eyes, and saw Will standing over me, fear all over his face. I looked down, and I saw Ellie doing something really quickly by my side. I looked down, and I could see where she was wrapping the bandages. Where I had grabbed a blade, and started slicing through my wrists.

[Holister]

Angel, listen to me when I say this. You ain't got nothin' to appoligize for. I know what's its like to have someone screw with ya' noggin' so much that you don't know what ya' doin'. Nothing you have done is your fault. You can't let what happened break you down. Its trying so hard to beat you down spiritually, cause it knows it can't win any other way. Most cowards do that, I know this for a fact.

Angel you are not to blame, so stop accusin' yourself an' appoligizin' for stuff that you aren't repsonsible for. You are good folk, and in my opinion, that says alot.

Come to the BBQ and maybe we can talk. Trust me, I know what its like to have a Dark shadow loomin' over your shoulder.

[Eilonwy Solstice]

I cannot say much more than what I told you that night we talked . . . we’ll pull through, Susan.

I promise.

[Ron Caliburn]

The stuff that digs into the brain - worst of the worst.

Shredded bodies are one thing, shredded minds . . .

The things I saw in the institution . . .

[Holister]

When were you in an instituition Ron? I never knew that. I knew you were nuts, but not certifiable type nuts? I'm glad to see you got over it though.

[Willie Long]

And what would your 'friends' think if they knew who you really were, eh?

That she's still our friend, sucka. I think I remember arguin' with this fool myself.

[GhostSpider]

I'm glad your alright Angel.

I know that won't mean much to you, coming from me, but that doesn't stop me from saying it.

[Shadowstalker]

Susan, I said it already in person, and I will say it again here. You are still a friend to me, and I in no way think anything less of you.

[concrete_Angel]

But the worst part is knowing which parts he was right about.

[Eilonwy Solstice]

And those parts certainly weren’t about your friends abandoning you once the truth was learned, Su. We’ll stick with you through everything. That’s what friends are for. I know the truth, and I still say you are a dear friend. And I’m not abandoning you.

Therefore, he is wrong about that. So he can be wrong about others, too.

[Ron Caliburn]

Ben, I've had a few posts about it. There's even a war story about my visit to the place last year.

It was years ago that I ended up in there. I got busted for Assault/Battery with a Deadly Weapon. My commentary about monsters and such allowed my lawyer to get me a not guilty by reason of insanity and I got committed.

Being in the joint ironically did cure me after a fashion . . . I wasn't able to drink.

[concrete_Angel]

Are you offering that as an alternative, Ron? Maybe then I won't have to worry about this shit anymore.

[Eilonwy Solstice]

I don’t think it works that way, Susan. Besides, I’d rather enjoy visiting you whenever I want, without having to worry about visiting hours or paperwork or what else.

[Ron Caliburn]

I wouldn't recomend it.

Probably the thing I did that best contributed to my sanity was going back and burning it down.

[Hannah]

Hi Sue,

I'm sending you hugs . . . I hope you get them.

Hannah

PS: Thanks for your help.

[concrete_Angel]

I just wish I could have done more for you, Hannah. And, honestly, I was maybe sorta hoping you wouldn't read this, because I don't think this had anything to do with you. He ended up pulling me into a different part of the dreamstream, apart from where you were being held. I don't remember J saying he was that powerful, though, which is something else that worries me.

And I thank everyone for being so nice, but I know what I've done, and what's happened, and it kills me that it has to be like this. I don't know why I feel like I need any sympathy (or that I deserve any) for what I've done.

Yes, when I was about twelve, my brother tried having sex with me. I think he just wanted to know what it was like, and he didn't beat me up or force me to do it, but we did. After that, I don't know what happened to me. I became obsessed with him, I think. I wanted to be with him all the time, and not just as his sister. But he obviously didn't see it like that, and I couldn't handle it.

So, one day when the two of us were alone, I wanted to have sex again with him. He said no, but I kept insisting. He started getting mad at me, and ran into the kitchen. I ran behind him, yelling, but he kept saying no. Eventually, I got so upset that I grabbed a kitchen knife and swore that I'd do something to him. Not that I knew what, but I thought if I waved the knife around, he'd stop saying no. He grabbed the dull side of the blade (since he was that much bigger and stronger) and tried just pulling it out of my hands, but at the last second, I reached my fist out to hit him, and my wrist slammed into the blade. I don't even remember how deep it was, just that I couldn't see anything but blood all around me. I froze, just staring at all the blood while J ran around trying to bandage my wrist and clean everything up so dad wouldn't find out.

We didn't hang out much after that. I think eventually he forgot the whole thing happened, really. But I've had to live with knowing what I did for years now, and my only consolation is that it was only me that got cut. Probably deserved it, anyway.

[Hannah]

Hi Sue,

You came to try to help me when I needed you, that's all I could ever hope from someone.

It's strange how things work differnetly in different places. Just before I was rescued the first time, I was 14 and considered to be getting rather old to be unmarried. Most girls my age had already had a child with the cousin or uncle that they'd been wed to.

Out here, the idea is so shocking that people need to keep it covered up.

I won't say I know what you went through, 'cause I never did have what exactly happened to you happen to me, but there ain't as much wrong with what you and he did as you probably think there was.

Hannah

PS: Still sending those hugs, adding in an extra crate of them.

[Malakai]

I think I like this "Not Ron" even more.

From the thoughts in James mind that was read before he died... He didnt forget about you. He did try to forget how lousy in the sack you were. I think he said your mother was better. Eh, who knows.

[Shadowstalker]

MALAKAI! Go do everyone a favor, and suck down a live grenade. You speak as if you have a clue about things you don't.

[Ethan Skinner]

You're just feeding the wolf, Shadowstalker. I'd reccommend putting this "Malakai on your ignore list, check his posts every so often, and do not reply to him.

[Sophoroto]

Miss Angel, you know what the meaning of friend is, someone who stands by your side despite your flaws and will always be there to help you in your times of need. You can count on me to be there should you need anything even if it is just to talk.

Yeah I know I am only 15, but then again I have been through and seen things that many adults couldn't possibly understand.

[concrete_Angel]

Thanks, Soph. You're a really cool guy. And fifteen's only a number, it ain't you.

As for Mal-formed, does he even know what he's saying anymore? I think he's making even less sense than usual. Maybe he should try getting one of those "insult comedian handbooks" and maybe try something that's MEAN, not just retarded.

[Sophoroto]

[Hannah]

Hey Soph,

Nothing wrong with fifteen, it means your the same age as me.

Hannah

PS: Driving school's gonna be fun!

[GhostSpider]

Poor Ron.

[Ron Caliburn]

You should see my insruance now, what with running over vampires and gremlin attacks . . .

[Malakai]

Hey Soph,

Nothing wrong with fifteen, it means your the same age as me.

Hannah

PS: Driving school's gonna be fun!

Fifteen? How sweet a treat.

[KonThaak]

Did someone say driving?

Greydawn, Ron, if y'all wanna send 'em over here, I can teach 'em stick while I teach 'em how to drive in general. I guarantee that my regimen will have them passing the state exam, and it'll save you both costs on Driver's Ed classes.

[Ron Caliburn]

Might take you up on that . . . though I got some friends in the highway patrol who might let her do the driving courses they do.

[Sophoroto]

Hey Soph,

Nothing wrong with fifteen, it means your the same age as me.

Hannah

PS: Driving school's gonna be fun!

Fifteen? How sweet a treat.

malidork you had best back off for your own good.

Thank you Miss Hannah, I know there is nothing wrong with being fifteen, it is just that most people see a kid and don't think they can understand emotions and the like. I hate it when someone says you are too young you wouldn't understand. I mean how is a person to learn if they aren't given the chance to experience situations or talk to about them. Thankfully Mr. Greydawn believes that sometimes the young are better at understanding certain situations since we don't have the preconceived notions that come with experience. He says we see things more clearly due to the fact that we don't over analyze things and that we see the face value of most things. Before some of you say he is over simplifying it, he also says that there are some things that we are not experienced enough to deal with.