Howard Stern, STOP MESSING WITH MY ICED TEA!!!

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:08 pm

When I got back from Iraq, I found my house in bad shape. Misha, my ex-wife, had abandoned it, leaving my beloved cat Larry to starve and dehydrate to death! The smell of feline decay hit me like pizza dough when I opened the door. I later found out Misha had returned to her exotic dancing and was "on tour". While I was putting my life on the line overseas, protecting her freedom, she was shaking her goodies at anyone waving a dollar bill!

After a period of mourning, I began to pick up the pieces and got on with my life. I took a job selling shoes at the mall, maintaining my physique through a regime of pushups and jogging. I like to listen to the radio when I work out, and it was usually Howard Stern talking to me on my headphones while I sweat.

I began to notice Howard often mentioned having his lemons squeezed and it caused me great distress because I came to believe he was not really talking about lemon, literally. I then noticed the iced teas I drank to rehydrate had lemons floating in it. THEY WERE SQUEEZED!!

I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I could see that madman, Howard Stern, laughing at me every time I took a sip of my rehydrating iced tea. The lemons bobbing in the pitcher, mocking me. It was terrible!

Because I am a veteran, I reached out to the Secretary of State, imploring him to do something. He told me he would take care of it, and thanked me for my brave service to my country. He got him off the air for me. I was able to rehydrate with my sweet iced tea unmolested.

I have now moved to a new city, teaching self love at the YMCA. I was at the break room and felt a strange presence. It was an old, dusty, clock radio with the turner knob broken off. Then I heard him...NO!!!! There was a pitcher of iced tea with TWO OBVIOUSLY SQUEEZED LEMONS floating in it on the table!!

Cipher · Post by **Cipher** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:28 pm

hmm, interesting. Heh, don't be so sour about it :roll:

Ron Caliburn · Post by **Ron Caliburn** » Fri Feb 04, 2005 6:56 pm

I hate to think how he'll react when he finds out what Oprah's been doing with his rice crispies

Kolya · Post by **Kolya** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 4:41 am

Therapy

randy_eh? · Post by **randy_eh?** » Wed Feb 09, 2005 6:23 pm

Mr. Ransom wrote:He got Howard Stern off the air for you? That is kind of peculiar, seeing as he is still on the radio.

Recently some stations have ceased to carry Stern...coincidence? Maybe? Of course all of this will soon be a moot point since he's moving to satellite radio next year.

-Randy

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 12:35 am

Yes, it is true that Howard Stern is still on the air in many markets. However, he was immediately removed following my conversation with the Secretary of State.

When I relocated to a new city, I was caught unprepared because Stern had NOT been removed there. It was a time of great anxiety for me. I stayed away from the break room and stopped drinking iced tea and lemonaid.

I met a girl named Jenny. She is a beautiful blonde with nipples that point upward, towards heaven. Her breasts are like graceful gazelles. How I love touching them! She told me the Secret of the Toad...

It is said a toad is the true lord of the jungle. They can grab a fly out of the air with their tongue. Their powerful hind legs enable them to jump incredible distances. What is not generally known is their ability to make love uninterrupted for long periods of time.

Jenny told me the Secret of the Toad and now I am content. I rehydrate myself with pure mountain spring water. She tells me the perspiration from my body turns her one, that it is musky and has an oyster scent.

So, Howard Stern, you have not won.

Joseph Darkhold · Post by **Joseph Darkhold** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:51 pm

Just the kind of information that my poor imagination needed...

NicksMind · Post by **NicksMind** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 11:04 pm

I have heard a rumor that Howard Stern recently bought an Lemon Orchard so please all you Iced Tea drinkers out there watch out.

Ron Caliburn · Post by **Ron Caliburn** » Thu Feb 17, 2005 8:31 pm

Ladies and Gentllemen, Elvis has left the reality

NicksMind · Post by **NicksMind** » Fri Feb 18, 2005 12:12 am

okay I have seem some very paranoid people put man this guy takes the gold.

Tabloid Hound · Post by **Tabloid Hound** » Fri Feb 18, 2005 2:05 pm

Dont think of it as Paranoia, think of it as a defense mechanism. :wink:

randy_eh? · Post by **randy_eh?** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 5:09 am

Elvis Jones wrote:I met a girl named Jenny. She is a beautiful blonde with nipples that point upward, towards heaven. Her breasts are like graceful gazelles. How I love touching them! She told me the Secret of the Toad...

It is said a toad is the true lord of the jungle. They can grab a fly out of the air with their tongue. Their powerful hind legs enable them to jump incredible distances. What is not generally known is their ability to make love uninterrupted for long periods of time.

Jenny told me the Secret of the Toad and now I am content. I rehydrate myself with pure mountain spring water. She tells me the perspiration from my body turns her one, that it is musky and has an oyster scent.

Actually the toads you're referring to are the "true lords" of the Australian outback...but one lick and you'll think you're in the jungle...

Say, does Jenny bake bread?

-Randy

Lightning Plant · Post by **Lightning Plant** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:07 pm

I just find the whole thing funny. It reminds me of this.

NicksMind · Post by **NicksMind** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 12:47 am

that was just stupid

randy_eh? · Post by **randy_eh?** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:31 am

It seems not just people like to lick toads:

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12 ... 01,00.html

-Randy

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:16 am

That story about dogs licking toads brings back painful memories.

I had just returned from Iraq, having defended our freedoms from a madman who had GASSED HIS OWN PEOPLE. Misha, my ex-wife, hadn't been replying to my emails and snail mails so I was worried. My heart was pounding as I walked up to our love nest. She was gone and my beloved dog was dead! He looked so dehydrated and flat, my eyes teared up immediately.

The topic of licking toads is a sore spot for me. It was how I came to call in love with Misha. I was sunbathing at Rockaway Beach and had fallen asleep. I was red as a steamed lobster when I came to! It was painful to walk on the hot sand. I staggered in pain and heat until I finally collapsed. I thought I was a goner for sure!

The next thing I knew, a dog was on top of me, licking me all over! Apparently, my sunburnt skin wasn't good, and he tugged off my speedos to get at my package. He began to lick me there and I felt so vulnerable! I yelled at him to get away and thew sand at him. It was no use; he kept licking and licking until my aching body have him the response he was waiting for. How humiliating!

It was then that Misha walked by and heard my cries. She shooed off the dog and looked at my package. She toad me dogs are too damned uninhibited. She looked and remarked how my the dog had left my package in a condition that reminded her of a toad. I was humiliated! She saw this and tried to reassure me that it was a GOOD thing, as she counted licking toads among her most favorite activities. THAT got my attention. That evening, she toad me my skin had a sea scent, like fresh oysters...

That day, looking down at the carcass of my dehydrated dog in our abandoned house, I came to understand Misha no longer loved me. It took me a long time to get over Misha.

NicksMind · Post by **NicksMind** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 7:32 pm

Thats a story I can believe, Gross, but believable.

Silhouette · Post by **Silhouette** » Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:31 pm

The one that always worried me was "Alice Cooper". They say the best place to hide is in plain sight. I wonder if anyone has ever investigated him.

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Fri Mar 04, 2005 6:01 am

Doc told me to eat more veggies. Dump the lard-fried chitlins and take up the salad fork, he said. I couldn't believe he said that to me!

But your lipids are higher than Michael Jackson's screams at the height of orgasmic bliss, he scolded.

He went on to tell me my liver was fatty and my breath was rancid.

I was dumbstruck!

I have always been a voracious carnivore. How can I give up the steak?

There *is* one meat you can safely eat, Doc whispered.

What?

The *is* one meat you can safely eat, Doc repeated.

What kind of meat?

It is quite exotic, but I assure you the taste is exquisite...

Sweat beaded on my forehead. I grabbed Doc by the shoulders and begged to know of this strange meat.

It is...

Yes?

It is...dog meat.

My jaws dropped. What folly is this? Doc knew of my experience upon returning from Iraq. He had to have known I would never eat dog meat.

With the right combination of herbs and spices, it can be quite good eating, Doc hissed.

I can't do it, Doc. I just can't...

There is a website that may be of use to you in your present state. Doc write the URL on his 'script pad and handed it to me.

http://www.deliciousdogs.com

I am doubious, but Doc was very insistant.

Brother Hotep · Post by **Brother Hotep** » Fri Mar 04, 2005 8:24 am

Why did you manage to stick a fairy tale about beastiality and why would a woman go out with am an who just came all over himself after his dog just ... orally raped him?
.... the story makes no sense

Elvis, you sound like a Dog wackjob.
Stay away from the pound.

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Fri Mar 04, 2005 3:09 pm

Sir, I am only trying to accurately depict the events that have affected me, both positive and negative. You seem incredulous at Mischa's attraction after witnessing my "oral rape" by a stray beach dog. Since when is love logical? Since when is passion reasonable? She claimed to have been charmed by my triggering fond memories in her romantic past. Who was I to question it?

I cannot explain the actions of the stray beach dog. Perhaps it was attracted to the scent of my sunscreen. Or maybe it was overpowered by it and sought refuge in the one area of my body that was not coated with said sunscreen.

It is wrong to assume my misadventure at the beach that day as merely "bestiality". It was about how I met Mischa, the woman who both lifted me up and let me down. The fact that she left my dog to dehydrate in my house feels symbolic of our first meeting -- the meaning of still eludes me.

Brother Hotep · Post by **Brother Hotep** » Fri Mar 04, 2005 5:51 pm

you sound like you had a love affair with a succubus then a real human

randy_eh? · Post by **randy_eh?** » Sat Mar 05, 2005 1:50 am

Elvis Jones wrote:....The next thing I knew, a dog was on top of me, licking me all over! Apparently, my sunburnt skin wasn't good, and he tugged off my speedos to get at my package. He began to lick me there and I felt so vulnerable! I yelled at him to get away and thew sand at him. It was no use; he kept licking and licking until my aching body have him the response he was waiting for. How humiliating!...

You know, too much sun can lead to sun stroke which can in some rare instances cause the victim to hallucinate...Maybe you were merely hallucinating a dog on top of you. Hmmm...so, who or what tugged at your speedos then? And even more puzzling is why were you, a patriotic American, wearing speedos in the first place!?!?!?! I thought only Europeans did that!

-Randy

Elvis Jones · Post by **Elvis Jones** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 7:26 am

The other day I witnessed a near-traffic accident. A black lab was harassing a small animal -- perhaps a rabbit I thought. I saw some white in the small animal's tail and was horrified by the prospect that it might be a skunk. The cars were stopping for the two as they bickered across the road. Safely on the sidewalk, my suspicions were confirmed as the black dog suddenly ran away in haste. As I came closer, I got a whiff of the air and felt terrible.

The unfortunate dog got a shot of skunk funk point blank in the snout! It didn't howl or make any audible sound. It looked back and then sniffed the ground, as though wishing he were a pig sniffing for truffles.

Why must dogs do things like this to themselves? Why must my dog be dehydrated upon my return from saving the USA? Why must they lick frogs to get high like in that article posted by Randy, Eh?

We humans should take a hint from our best friends. To blindly pursue a life of sensual pleasure can only lead to disaster.

I hope the black lab is doing okay. The skunk should be severely punished for its outburst. The dog was clearly only playing.

Brother Hotep · Post by **Brother Hotep** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 11:03 am

you should of just thrown a rock at the lab and stopped it from itself.

Inaction is a crime more then commiting one.

randy_eh? · Post by **randy_eh?** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 12:50 pm

Brother Hotep wrote:you should of just thrown a rock at the lab and stopped it from itself.

Inaction is a crime more then commiting one.

Or he could've tossed the dog his speedos and turn its attention to a game of tug-a-war! Dogs like that game!

-Randy

Howard Stern, STOP MESSING WITH MY ICED TEA!!!

Howard Stern, STOP MESSING WITH MY ICED TEA!!!

stern

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