• Sitting in a bunker...here behind my wall...

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:01 am**

It's 1:38AM, September 16... I just exploded at Pendragon, and, had I left what I'd said, I might have looked sympathetic. I had plenty of rage within myself to start attacking everyone, and turning their hearts further against me, as I have been ordered to do...

I leave this log of my thoughts to be posted on All Hallow's Eve, so that it may be known why I have done what I have done. I can only pray that there are Society members alive to read it. In mid-August, I was attacked by Windner. I was targeted specifically because of my involvement in closing and sealing the gates to the Realm of the Dead...after which I received my soul. I had received premonitions that I would soon be targeted; I began to devise a way to protect myself. I formulated a plan, but I could not bring it to fruition in time...

The plan involved using light energy combined with physical attacks to destroy him on a physical and spiritual level. I set out to see the one Society member I felt I could trust to get me the materials I needed to begin preparing for this...but when I arrived at Mr. Caliburn's shop, I discovered I had just missed him. I suppose if I'd kept up more with the forums at that time, I would have realized I was going to miss him. Fearing I didn't have the time to wait, I picked his lock, overrode his security systems through means of magic the night after I realized my blunder. I knew nothing of guns, and so I used the time he was away to teach myself about them, and find a pair of guns that were suitable.

During this time, in order to help pay for Mr. Caliburn's unintentional hospitality and helpfulness, I ran his shop while he was away. At the end of that duration, I knew he wouldn't have been happy that I had done what I had done, so I left a note, and didn't face him personally... I didn't want information getting to the wrong hands, so my note was misleading as to the reasons.

I regret that now, I regret it greatly.

It isn't easy carving magic symbols into the barrels and handles of guns and charging them magically when one lacks the appropriate tools to do so. Even now, they are unfinished; I can only pray they will be done by Samhuin, and they can fulfill their original purpose.

It stands to reason, then, that I lacked the appropriate means to protect myself and destroy Windner when he came and ripped my soul from me. He uses it to control me, but he overestimates how much he can control me thus... We worked for three days on an agreement, meeting for short periods of time to discuss and consider. We both swore a binding, magical oath; I would follow his orders, and refrain from betraying his interests, and on the night of Samhuin, he would not only return my soul to me, but give me a human body. His first order to me was to sever my contacts within your organization... I knew that such would not be terribly difficult. Judgementality runs rampant in your ranks, and makes it easy to manipulate many of you to hate.

I never once lied, either...though I was intentionally misleading. Logos, I hope you are around to accept my apology; I used you, and I couldn't tell you. You provided for me an excellent way to make myself look terrible in the eyes of everyone here... You asked if I was truly willing to let "all those people" die just to obtain my humanity. Windner has control of much of the North American branch of the Demon Fist, he is, as of now, manipulating a cult of humans dedicated to gaining power by drinking blood, and he has ties with the Sanguine Legion, also known as the Brotherhood of Blood. There are a lot of humans there I was willing to let die, but none of them were innocents.

For the past month, now, I have worked to try and turn your hearts against me. With each success, I grew closer in Windner's esteem, and I sank further into my own despair. My latest success, as of this moment, was when Pendragon believed I tried to kill him. In point of fact, it was the Strigoi who tried to kill him, apparently under Windner's orders. I tried to get him out, but Malakai took advantage of Andrew's weakness, and planted the misconception that I had tried to kill him. Because I'd had such difficulty finding Malakai's domain in the first place, and because Malakai survived my attack, Windner went to him and offered him a job... Enraged by this, and further by Pendragon's reactions, I nearly gave myself away. I forced myself to fuel my rage, and continue tirading against everyone, making myself seem...less reasonable than I truly was, which, admittedly, wasn't as reasonable as I should.

To date, I have risked communications with Ron, Hannah, Eilonwy, and Kei... Without a soul, I am...incapable of feeling the kind of joy that should naturally come of knowing I have...friends or allies out there, but...it staved off my despair. Those parties were thankfully silent on my status, and I am eternally grateful, even if I have no way of showing or expressing it now.

Windner planned out a great deal, but I am not privvy to all of his plans... I believe he thinks I would leak information if I had it. In all honesty, I probably would, if I could.

I...I am going to end this here, tonight. I don't feel comfortable risking writing more. The Dark Druid watches me far more than I would like; we don't trust each other, even with the oath.

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:02 am**

I know people are wondering about the five houses, specifically the three "jigsaw houses" that I made mention of in my posts... On that night, I did kill innocents, but at that point, there was no other way...and the residents of the "jigsaw houses" are safe with Mr. Caliburn.

As you should know by now, I am not human. The flesh you see is not my own, but a construct, made from the flesh and blood of a small handful who believed themselves to be escaping justice... One was a child rapist, another a serial killer, and two more were serial rapists. All were managing to elude the forces of the law. They will not trouble another innocent soul again, and in the spirit of the Native Americans, I refused to let them go to complete waste. I made them disappear completely... The police didn't need to find fleshless bodies, even before Jeremiah Dark began his brief reign of terror.

It was from the remains of their corpses that I made the "jigsaw pieces". It would be far too long before DNA tests revealed the truth of the matter.

Khavik sensed that the connections to the others were being severed, and he moved to stop me. He rushed the final phase of his "slaughter them all" plan, and coerced the residents of the last two homes to start tearing into each other. He had them hallucinating monsters in place of people... I arrived just as it started turning messy, and they all apparently saw me as a beast far more foul than any other hallucination they were witnessing. They turned on me hard and fast, and Khavik had their mental connections with him strengthened. I...I was unable to use any of my tricks to save them. I did the only humane thing I could do, and I gave them a quick, painless, humane death. Had I tried any harder to save them, Windner would have used my soul to rob me of my free will, and made me just as bad as Khavik...

So yes... I killed innocents. I can speak in my own defense and say that it was to save them from themselves and Khavik, but...I ended their lives.

I can only hope that at least some of you are still alive for me to beg forgiveness... I can only hope that I can still live with myself when I have a soul again.

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:03 am**

I...I haven't written for quite some time. I haven't contacted anyone for quite some time. I have grown to know fear in a soulless state. I fear, in the absence of hope. The magically binding agreement that Windner forced me into keeps me from attacking him outright. The magical laws state that the terms of such an agreement may be stretched to allow one side to prevent their own demise... It is through this loophole that I have managed to write as much as I have, and to contact those I contacted.

This tells me only one thing... Windner intends to kill me, and has intended to do so from the very moment we signed the contract.

Between him and Khavik...I was forced into the murder of innocents, to prevent more mass-murders that would have made Jeremiah Dark look like some high school prankster. I had to go along with everything they forced onto me to maintain my freedom of choice, which kept me from becoming their puppet.

Now, on the night before Samhuin, I have begun to fear that all will fail. In the absence of hope, this is what I have fallen to... I would pray that you all succeed, and that my dread is unfounded...but I cannot bring myself to fold my hands, thus stained with blood.

I may die as a soulless creature, and cease to exist completely... Nothing else could scare me more.

I can only ask your forgiveness, Lazlites... I cannot apologize enough for what is going to happen...what will have already happened by the time you read this. To those of you I have upset over all of this time...I cannot apologize enough for that, either...

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 9:36 am**

Gabriel,
Looking on what you have said, I am willing to take your words at face value. As I am a new poster I have not drawn your ire. As I am a non-combatant, and there are so many who are, I don’t believe you would have come after me even if I had drawn your ire.

You mention that you are not human, so then I ask what you were originally. By the same token, if you were not human before, then did you truly possess a soul, to have stolen, in the first place?

I mean no disrespect in asking this. I merely ask as an armchair psychologist, and philosopher. I have often wondered if it were possible to truly steal a soul, or if this were not a propaganda implemented by those beings that are less than holy. If I were able to lay a compulsion on you and command you to do things, you will know that you are being coerced and seek to break my hold. Yet if I were to lay the same compulsion on you, and tell you I have stolen your soul, of course with the appropriate use of special effects, you would be less apt to attempt to break the compulsion as you feel that you need to get your soul back first.

Now please realize that to me most of this is theory, so I apologize now for my ignorance and I pray that I still do not offend. I am only trying to understand.

I will mention here that I am not, as of yet, a member of the Society, so I may not properly deserve the name Lazalite, yet I and many of us who do operate behind the scenes will be here to help support those who are on the front line. As I am not a member I can’t speak for everyone here, but given many of the posts I have read I don’t see them all holding a grudge with you. Many here have been in situations that are similar, in not in details then in flavor, to your own. So you may find forgiveness coming to you far easier than you fear. Just if you are going to make a change, do so and stand by it.

I know you say that you killed innocents, but I ask you this. If you had not intervened, would they not have wound up just as dead and in a far worse predicament? You did what you had to do at the time. Look back at what occurred not with the eyes of today, but with the eyes of then, and tell me what choices you had. If you didn’t have any, or any that were accessible then you can’t hold yourself responsible for actions that someone else inflicted on you. Would it have saved them if you had died?

I will in fact post this to one and all. You all, who are on the frontlines, are called on a routine basis to make rash decisions in a split second, which you then later take yourself to task for. Yes the statement is that hind sight is 20/20, but is it really. You will not remember every detail even though you think you may. It is proven that our memories rewrite themselves on a regular basis, so that years later when you think back you don’t remember the memory, but the memory of the memory. It has changed. This is why the legal system is putting less and less emphasis on eye witness reports, because memory is fallible. So when you make these snap decisions and then look back on them later you do not see them clearly because you also see what you wish had happened and then you try to figure out how you should have been able to do something differently. How many of you have had this conversation, “I shouldn’t have let that happen.”
“What could you have done differently?”
“I don’t know, but I should have been able to do something. It shouldn’t have ended that way.”

Accept what has happened. Learn from what has happened. Forgive yourself for what you have done. Do everything in your power to ensure it never happens again. Do not forget. Repent if you feel compelled. Just remember that regardless of whether others are willing to forgive your actions, then you must be able to forgive yourself, otherwise the day will come when you drown in your own indecision and fail to perform the one action that is needed to save the lives of innocents. All of life is a learning process, never give up on the opportunity to learn.

I apologize to all for waxing eloquent here; it was something I felt needed to be addressed.

Droopy Dawg

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 1:00 pm**

I dont know to believe you or laugh at you. I once considered you an ally. I am resting from the battles of last night.

I am not sue if Windner is no more or not. Me and him battled last night. It still pains me to know that a good man died last night.

Posted: **Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:44 pm**

Damnit Gabe. Did you not know what Windner tried to take from me? Why he tried to abduct me, and why he invaded my dreams? You should have contacted me, I could have helped.

Posted: **Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:43 am**

Shade here. I'm betting he risked a lot as it was.

I was reading his posts one night, and I kept hearing music in my head. It was driving me nuts cuz it was always on the edge of my mind, and I couldn't think of what I was hearing... Does anyone else ever get that? Anyway, I went back later and re-read it, and I realized he was quoting Pink Floyd a lot, especially from The Wall...

If anyone's ever seen the movie, it's NOT a drug companion, OKAY???!!!??? It's this story about a guy who's soul is taken by these guys called The Worms, and they're basically like the Nazis, and they've got his soul so he won't question them when they order him to do stuff like sing songs about hate and spread intolerance through the masses. Only at some point, he, like, gets his soul back, and hates what he's become.

So I told the other girls (and guy) here, and we all put our heads together, and figured he was prolly trying to, like, warn us about what was going on, and stuff. We weren't absolutely certain, but we had it figured out.

PS: THE MOVIE MAKES SENSE DAMMIT!!! (EDIT by Lily: We love teasing her about stuff like this.

)

Posted: **Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:13 am**

He decided to play the double agent, and took it to the very end. I wasn't sure which side he was on, I don't think he was either for a lot of it.

Posted: **Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:55 am**

Amy here...

I understand there were a number of casualties involved in all of this. Our condolences to everyone who lost someone this week...

Posted: **Sat Nov 03, 2007 6:15 pm**

Gee, thanks. I'm sure it was just all worth while now, wasn't it? :roll:

Posted: **Thu Nov 08, 2007 2:18 pm**

Just an update of what I know... On Halloween night, I know that Susan's brother James, Shadow's friend Hammer, and my alter-ego Gabriel all passed away... In a lot of ways, I died that night, too...

It's...it's still not easy. I'm almost to a point where I don't have to look at every key I press, and poke at the keyboard, but...I dunno.

I'll try to post what happened to me ASAP...

In the meantime...there're still a few folks who were there that night that we haven't heard from... Hopefully they make their stories known soon...

Posted: **Thu Nov 08, 2007 2:58 pm**

Damn, Hammer got killled. I met him a couple of times, and he was a pretty good guy.

Angel-You have my condolensces on James. I know what its like, if you need to talk or something.

I should have checked in with everyone after what happened that night, but after the events with Windner, I needed some time alone.

For whatever its worth, Windner won't be coming back to do something like this again. Michael and I made sure of that.

Posted: **Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:31 pm**

I had wondered why everyone had been so quite recently...

And I guess I sort of owe an apology to all of those who took the fight to the enemy this past Halloween. :oops:

I had been sitting here with anticipation of reading all of the heroic tales of what occured, all the deeds, all the glory, and all of the enemy slain. I guess I didn't think that some of the members of this group may not return to us. :cry:

Unfortunatly, when you are not among those on the front line, it is easy to forget what is at stake. It becomes so easy to start looking at the tales as merely stories, something becoming much like fiction. I wonder if I should spend sometime with those on the front line, see the scars, hear the emotions. It's much like talking to the veterans at the Veterans Hospital, only then do you understand what they have gone through.

I offer my condolences and deepest sincerity to all who have lost someone on that night. I also offer an ear to any who needs it. I know I am not well known, but I am one of you and I am willing to do what I can. If you need a physical shoulder to support you I am willing to assit, just my ability to travel is limited, mostly to the Eastern or Southeastern seaboard.

I did not consider that we can loose just as easily as the enemy can. Also I have to wonder how many others fall into the same trap I did.

May the blessings of what ever deific spirits you choose to follow come to each of you in your time of need, and my blessings are with each of you.

Again, I am sorry.

Droopy Dawg

Posted: **Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:58 pm**

Hammer did die trying to save others, I will explain how elsewhere. Also Ghost I am not so sure we have seen the last of Windner, again I will explain elsewhere.

Posted: **Fri Nov 09, 2007 1:09 pm**

I didn't know Hammer too well, but I'm pretty sure he would have wanted it that way.

As for Windner...no one can come back from what we...no, what I did to him.

Posted: **Sat Nov 10, 2007 2:59 pm**

Hi Ghost,

He seemed pretty lively when he grabbed onta me.

Hannah

PS: Though he wasn't usin' his own body at tha time, so you might be right.