we was down on the sandbar tonite an smitty was a buildin the fer when he started hollerin like a little girl. i had ma ginny layin cross ma lap but fell tryin to git up an ol smitty ran pass me quicker than noob can plug his ol lady. 'ged dammit smit...' i hollered as he run by and then i seen it some fucked up pork-a-pine critter come running up after smitty like it was high on meth.

ol maude smashed it cross its noggin with a two ba four and it made some squealin noise. it barely twitched bafore she smacked it gin with the two ba four. finally i got to ma feet an ol maude stepped aside when she heard me cock ma ginny. i put the barrel to the critters noggin and a pulled da trigger an brains a splatterin everywhere like a prairie dog taking a 22-250 square on the chest. the rest of the critter turned into some goo like i never seen before since smitty horked up a rack of skeeters bbq ribs after swallowin half a can of kodiak.

smitty had run clear up to the trailer and came a crashin through the woods in his pickem up truck an he damn near run over slim. 'ged dammit smitty' i a hollered at him gin. we poured some pbr in em and he simmered down right quick. but bafore he could git the fer started a ged dam body come up on the sandbar. i found this address on a card on the body so if yall missin a buddy, yall can check the washenton county morg to claim em.

What State?

missouri

If you can PM me the details and I will go make the identification. Unfortunately, there is a shortage of people available these days.

eeeeeew weeeeee, how yall are?

slim just now come back from the auto parts store and he learned hisself some gossip about da body that washed up on da sandbar.

cause of deth: drownt.

the gashes on the back: unesplained.

body: missin.

ay, hannah, war yall from?

i thank dares more cattle dan cowpokes in montana. musta been diffcult fer ya ta find a cowpoke. war yall na iffer not en montana?

anyways, yeeeap quite da mystery don her.

have a gooden.

how yall are?

yesserday was ma birfday an maude thats ma ol lady give me some pussy an a pair of boots but boths of em was too big. na i also got me some wrastlin tapes ta watch and i thank imma gonna watch sum of em rat na.

anyways, i went up to da walmarts to return ma boots i asked maybe i could swap out maude but dey won take er even fer mashell in ill number nine. i went wid smitty. fact, we just na got back.

'i aint a ever goin back down there to da sanbar,' he splained.

'ged dammit smitty' i hollered at em 'would ya quit bein such a fuckin nancy already?' an then i spit a perfect arc of kodiak spit an wiped da spittle offa ma beard.

'da sum bich floated all da way don her fra mitchagain,' he splained.

'what you tryin ta say, boy?'

'he wuz a tall feller, shaved head, an da word 'mitchagain' written on da front of is shirt. no one round her reknizes em. dats just scarey shit man. ta float that long (what thousans a miles or so) widdout nobody findin ya. somewheres someones lookin fer dis feller an he nowheres ta be foun. huh uh i aint goin back to da sanbar no how scotty an i don care what names you call me.'

'git in da ged damn truck, nancy,' i said as i slammed ma door shut an fired nother arc of spit out da window, wiped, an rolled on back to is trailer. 'yer a ged damn donkeys ass ya know that, boy? aint no way no how he floated down fra mitchagain. ged damn river flows north for chrissakes. this aint california ya know.' as we rived at is trailer he started sayin somethin but i didnt let em talk. 'we still goin huntin?' i asked em.

'yea.'

'ait den get da fuck outta ma truck. see ya later.' nother arc, nother wipe.

Here's to hoping that body was more than just a body.

hot damn yall. we all loaded up and right na nancy thats smittys new name an me goin out to kill us some feral hogs. gommit says its ait ta keel em feral ones on site. they feral an at means they don belong ear.

anyways, figger on havin skeeter bbq em up don at da sandbar widder widdout nancy.

squeal like a pig nancy! oink! oink! oink!


dym a don know what yall talkin bout. speak anglish ged dammit!

Scotty, hi,

dym hopes the missing body was made into the zombie or the vampire or the something like that.

Keep the eye on Nancy. It is possible he is in some trouble.

Mr. Scotty, you may want to fallow kalle's advise and keep an eye on your friend, and yourself. Sometimes a little caution is a good thing, particularly if it keeps you alive.

rosecrest? dat some new age thang? how yall are?

we ad us a goooood ol huntin trip. least i did. not so sure bout nancy.

i drove oar to is trailer in ma pick em up truck and i pick em up. den drove to the huntin grouns.

den nency an i splid up, 'na jus don shoot me you horses ass, imma goin dis way so you shoot dat way, ait?' arc, wipe, 'i said ait ged dammit!'

'ait' he came back.

boys been actin all strange lately. 'na be careful cos dese lil porkers are mean sumbiches. day ill keel ye ass. ait?'

'ait'

when i hooked up with nancy later 'yall keell any porkers?' i asked him. i ad keelt me two off em and drug em back to ma pickem up truck. but nancy didnt answer me. 'ged dammit, nancy!' i hollered at him but he wasn't listenin. 'you fuckin drunk? you been drankin?' i hollered. 'ged dammit nancy! you are drunk!' he just stumbled to ma pickem up truck.

'elp me widdese porkers' i told em and den we tossed da dead porkers in da bed an i launched a smooth juicey arc of kodiak spit an wiped ma beard as i got in ma truck. i sped on over to his trailer, 'go on now git out da truck nancy.' he almost fell out an i watched him stumble up da stairs an fall through his screened door. 'fuckin drunk sumbich,' i laughed as da tires dug into da lil patch of grass out front nancys trailer. nother arc of kodiak spit out da window nother wipe from da beard an i was half way to ma own trailer.

ol maude was waitin fer me an bafore i could get dem dead porkers outta the bed of da pickem up truck she was in da mood and bafore i know whats what i add ma own porker in da bed in ma trailer. ewwww weeee when at girl git in the mood dere no tellin what bound to appen.

da mitchagain feller ne'er was foun. its as if he jus got up and walked rite on outta da morg.

If he was in the river my guess is that he is not the vampire. Unless he was turned after he leaved the river.

The medical examiner is a mage and he made the corpse into the zombie. That is my current working theory.

hell yea he been complain about seein thangs in da shadows an shit ike at.

i ask em if day cook em breakfast an he tell me ta kiss ma own ass. at least he used ta open da doo fer me but he was jus sorta shoutin thru da door.

so ta hell wid em i said an i wen back ta ma pickem up truck and launched a mouthful of kodiak spit all over is tomatas he got out dere in frunt an sped off in ma truck.

ellll its definately included in da weird stuff goin on.

Yea, your boy sounds like he might be turning into the undead as we speak.

How is his wife handling all this?