I am offering advice on how to combat the undead hordes, and take back YOUR city! If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a zombie outbreak, THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!!

you tried to tell them, but they laughed at you.

you called for help, but nobody believed you.
or...
help arrived but no one survived.

For a modest fee, I can guarantee your safety*, eliminate the zombie threat and drive the reanimated fiends from your neighborhood, all with minimal destruction of property*!

Other services include:

*Zombie Awareness Training†
*Network Design and Administration
*Locksmithing
*Martial Arts and Marksmanship Training
*Basic Training for New Militias (NEW!)
*Urban Survival Course (NEW!)

PM me (DevilNuts) or call 555-ZOM-B (9662)

*results may vary
All Undead Extermination Fees (UEF) are final and non-refundable. I am not liable for recurring zombie infestations, accidental property damage or infection caused by negligence of the infected person or persons not having attended the ZAT† course. Additional fees may be incurred without notice in the event of additional danger in excess of the understandings of the original contract or to replace damaged personal gear. I am not responsible for property missing due to looting, theft or robbery unless it is specified in the contract. I am not responsible for upholding any local regulations regarding weapons, vandalism, fire code violations, theft, unlawful entry, assault or murder while under contract. Once signed a contract is final and permanent unless I release it. I reserve the right to cancel any contract at any time with or without notice or reason. All contracts are subject to US State and Federal Tax laws.

Ideally I prefer work as a network engineer or training policemen, but the economy isn't too great these days. A guy's gotta eat somehow.

I do not believe that this forum is an advertising service. We are all in this fight together and I must say that personally I find the act of making a profit of off such things to be highly reprehensible.

Theres somebody I would like to introduce to you all:

"Hi, I'm a sense of humor. Nice to meet you."

People need zombies dealt with sometimes, and I need to eat and put my kid through college. If I offered my services pro bono all the time I would starve in short order, and then I would be able to help nobody. It doesnt make me a bad person, it makes me like most people in the world.

.... I dont overcharge.

Celeste Darken wrote:... bounty hunters also offer the same services...

That's a common misperception. All bail enforcement agents like myself do is ensure fugitives are there for their day in court.

The Watcher In Shadows wrote:I do not believe that this forum is an advertising service.

I dunno, Jack. It does say "Classifieds".

I'm reserving judgement. I can't say I like your style... It seems akin to charging a drowning man 50$ for a life preserver. But I suppose you must make a living somehow.

Actually, as crappy as it sounds I make most of my money from the dead. And it isnt much. I realize that zombie-wrought villages dont often have alot of money to be throwing around on consultants, so I usually include a looting clause in contracts to cover my expenses. its not as bad as it sounds.

and for all the stiffs around here, the ad was mostly intended as a parody. however, I do actually offer the services listed above, and please stop treating me like an ambulance chaser.

it was a bad joke, it failed, Im sorry.

I dunno, I thought it was rather amusing... I'm still chuckling, over here.

Signed,
-the guy who got the joke

For all you zombie hunters out there you NEED this book. I saw a copy sitting on the shelf in my local book store and picked it up. One of the better uses for $14 I have come across lately.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/140004 ... oding=UTF8

Heh, it's already sitting on my wife's bookshelf...

I'd buy the book, but I found a better way to deal with zombies. Just got back from Osama-hunting and will be preusing the boards again. Rock on.

Willie Long wrote:

The Watcher In Shadows wrote:I do not believe that this forum is an advertising service.

[/b]
I dunno, Jack. It does say "Classifieds".

I apologize and retract that statement. I simply have trouble accepting those who fight what is clearly evil simply for profit, no matter what that money goes towards. Espeicially one who loots from towns that have need of every single resource they have simply to fill his fee.

The Watcher In Shadows wrote: I simply have trouble accepting those who fight what is clearly evil simply for profit, no matter what that money goes towards. Espeicially one who loots from towns that have need of every single resource they have simply to fill his fee.

Im afraid you have misunderstood what it is that I do. are you saying that the only morally acceptable way to fight evil is free of charge? If that were the case, evil would go largely unopposed in this world. not only that, but I dont even consider zombies to be evil at all. they are dead people who cause problems for living people. I could almost consider myself pest control for what I do.

I have never bankrupted a village to cover the cost of my services. when I said "modest fee" above, I meant it. I dont live in a mansion or anything, in fact I have been wearing the same boots for over 4 years. to be honest, there isnt much profit to be made from saving destroyed villages.

and the looting. I can definitely understand how looting might seem like a dishonest or morally reprehensible thing to do, but in some situations its better than charging cash for what I do. I take items from people who clearly no longer need them. this allows me to lower the cost of my contracts, replace the gear necessary to fulfill my contracts, and pay for additional employees.

Ive been to places where there were so many dead they had to bury them in mass graves, hundreds at a time. if I take a few rings, wallets and wristwatches from those being buried, it honestly never hurts anyone. in fact, it has often kept me in buisness, which in turn lowers the overall zombie population worldwide, which in turn helps people. I suppose its all about perspective.

but dont assume Im doing all this for profit. because I live in a small house, I drive a crappy car, I drink cheap beer and if i were rich, I wouldnt have to keep working. I do this because its what im good at.

As it's already been pointed out a couple of times that the ad here was a parody, I'm not gonna bother pointin out how useless it is to take it so seriously...

Devilnuts, you mentionned that zombies aren't evil at all...and I agree. It's almost never the zombies' fault that they've been brought back, and their actions are either under the control of those who brought them back, or are simple acts of mindless agression. They should be returned to rest, not condemned for walking the earth...

So I, for one, will applaud Devilnuts' work. Keep it up!

I think you are going to LOVE this: http://www.jonathancoulton.com/lyrics/re-your-brains

WM

That's awesome. XD

If you like that watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjMiDZIY1bM

WM

Oh, man, I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair... Thank you! I just hope that DevilNuts gets to see this, too... I'll be singing it all night, now.

::bows:: I am to please! I first heard of Jon Coulton on the Slice of Sci-Fi Podcast, and have been a fan since.