Tier Zahmer
Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:41 am
Well ladies and gentlemen, it's been a busy year for me and the monster-hunting folks I've been forced to hang out with so maybe I should just get down to brass tacks and tell you about the latest writhing ball of abject terror that was dropped into my lap.
Just last week Burnie, Elvis and Julie dragged me from my nice safe garage to head out into the wilds of Manitoba to seek out something that had mauled a few campers. Now I'm a city boy. Give me grease on my hands, metal around me and concrete underfoot and I'm a happy camper. Stick me out in the wild with wierd noises and fire and stuff and I'm miserable. Not to mention it snowed last week... Spring is almost over and it snowed!
So there I am in the wilderness cold, wet, miserable around a camfire with my friends who are apparently enjoying my discomfort when It happens.
A long howl echoes through the night with that sing-song quality you only get from wolves... then another joins it... then a third. After a few minuites we realise they're gettng closer.
Now my first instinct is to get inside the car... and in this case it was the correct one because no sooner do I close my door and lock it does Lon Chaney Jr drop down on my hood. I mean it. Fur, fangs, claws and a maw that could bite my head off. Two others begin circling my braver friends.
Elvis isn't much of a fighter but he isn't an idiot either and came with a pair of Glock .45's loaded with a certain kind of expensive ammo. Julie our jungle queen had her sword in her hands and swung it about ready for these things. Burnie however went even lower-tech, picking up a burning branch from the fire and tapping it against his other hand in a warning to them.
Of course in a situation like this these things never take subtle hints. The one on my hood began pounding at my windshield and roof trying to get in... geez I'm glad I upgraded the Beetle to be Bulletproof... of course I didn't know if it was Bowser-proof so I introduced him to a little feature I installed. Long story short... I can electrify the outside of my Vintage VW Beetle like a tazer gun. I put enough voltage into that thing to turn it from a wolf into a poodle.
IN the time it took me to shock the hell out of Rin-tin-tin my friends managed to hurt their beasts. Forcing them back with Bullets, swordplay and a healthy dose of fire.
They were really pi... sorry... They were really angry and yet they looked confused. I guess nobody ever gave them this much trouble before. It was then there was a shrill whistle and their ears snapped flat against their heads like they were in a windstorm and their tails tucked between their legs.
A sharp female voice yelled out the words "Hergekommen! JETZT!" and they slowly slunk off shivering to a dark haired woman with large round glasses who was just at the edge of the light.
She wasn't dressed any special. She looked like anyone else marching around in the woods except she had a long whip in her hand and shiny chains and collars hanging off her belt.
They cringed and yelped as she began beating them with that whip just crying a blue streak at them in what sounded like German. Sweet mercy she was just letting them have it. I didn't catch all she said but I remember her saying a few things like "Sie dissapoint drei ich!" and "Sie zeichnen zu viel Aufmerksamkeit!" and what sounded like "Möchten Sie die Stellringe wieder tragen? Sie?"
She then kicked one and pointed off into the distance and they scampered off like whipped pups before she looked at us and said... in english.
"I'm sorry for the trouble my Ex's caused. You know what beasts old boyfriends can be."
And then she walked away, refusing to answer our... well my friends' calls and questions. They stayed a few more days in the bush but nothing else wierd happened. We got plaster casts of the werewolf footprints, some hair and blood samples from Julie's sword but other than that...
I dunno. Maybe it's the coward in me but for some reason I felt... safe when that woman showed up. She was so commanding and I never really got a vibe off of her like I did with her... uh.. pets.
Does anyone think that she could be, you know, just a human being with such a powerful presence she can keep even things like those werewolfs in line? Sweet mercy she'd be the queen of the dominatrixes mixed with a wild animal tamer.
Just last week Burnie, Elvis and Julie dragged me from my nice safe garage to head out into the wilds of Manitoba to seek out something that had mauled a few campers. Now I'm a city boy. Give me grease on my hands, metal around me and concrete underfoot and I'm a happy camper. Stick me out in the wild with wierd noises and fire and stuff and I'm miserable. Not to mention it snowed last week... Spring is almost over and it snowed!
So there I am in the wilderness cold, wet, miserable around a camfire with my friends who are apparently enjoying my discomfort when It happens.
A long howl echoes through the night with that sing-song quality you only get from wolves... then another joins it... then a third. After a few minuites we realise they're gettng closer.
Now my first instinct is to get inside the car... and in this case it was the correct one because no sooner do I close my door and lock it does Lon Chaney Jr drop down on my hood. I mean it. Fur, fangs, claws and a maw that could bite my head off. Two others begin circling my braver friends.
Elvis isn't much of a fighter but he isn't an idiot either and came with a pair of Glock .45's loaded with a certain kind of expensive ammo. Julie our jungle queen had her sword in her hands and swung it about ready for these things. Burnie however went even lower-tech, picking up a burning branch from the fire and tapping it against his other hand in a warning to them.
Of course in a situation like this these things never take subtle hints. The one on my hood began pounding at my windshield and roof trying to get in... geez I'm glad I upgraded the Beetle to be Bulletproof... of course I didn't know if it was Bowser-proof so I introduced him to a little feature I installed. Long story short... I can electrify the outside of my Vintage VW Beetle like a tazer gun. I put enough voltage into that thing to turn it from a wolf into a poodle.
IN the time it took me to shock the hell out of Rin-tin-tin my friends managed to hurt their beasts. Forcing them back with Bullets, swordplay and a healthy dose of fire.
They were really pi... sorry... They were really angry and yet they looked confused. I guess nobody ever gave them this much trouble before. It was then there was a shrill whistle and their ears snapped flat against their heads like they were in a windstorm and their tails tucked between their legs.
A sharp female voice yelled out the words "Hergekommen! JETZT!" and they slowly slunk off shivering to a dark haired woman with large round glasses who was just at the edge of the light.
She wasn't dressed any special. She looked like anyone else marching around in the woods except she had a long whip in her hand and shiny chains and collars hanging off her belt.
They cringed and yelped as she began beating them with that whip just crying a blue streak at them in what sounded like German. Sweet mercy she was just letting them have it. I didn't catch all she said but I remember her saying a few things like "Sie dissapoint drei ich!" and "Sie zeichnen zu viel Aufmerksamkeit!" and what sounded like "Möchten Sie die Stellringe wieder tragen? Sie?"
She then kicked one and pointed off into the distance and they scampered off like whipped pups before she looked at us and said... in english.
"I'm sorry for the trouble my Ex's caused. You know what beasts old boyfriends can be."
And then she walked away, refusing to answer our... well my friends' calls and questions. They stayed a few more days in the bush but nothing else wierd happened. We got plaster casts of the werewolf footprints, some hair and blood samples from Julie's sword but other than that...
I dunno. Maybe it's the coward in me but for some reason I felt... safe when that woman showed up. She was so commanding and I never really got a vibe off of her like I did with her... uh.. pets.
Does anyone think that she could be, you know, just a human being with such a powerful presence she can keep even things like those werewolfs in line? Sweet mercy she'd be the queen of the dominatrixes mixed with a wild animal tamer.
