Ok, I am deffinitely takin' stock in Pemmican before I visit Russia.

Military food is shit, that is true.

Off base the food beats the shit out of anything you will find in America, I promise.

Maybe all that genetic engineering you do to make the chickens have bigger breasts takes some of the flavour out of the meat. I do not know what it is, but the food here is just better. Seriously.

Breasts...what? Who is showin' of their breasts? Wait, this is a public place, but where are the breasts?

(Shakes head while walking away.)

Just to let you know what we have been up to... we have made it off base. As soon as we make contact with Shadowstalker we will head to the car and take Bert somewhere a little more friendly.

For the last many hours I have spent all my time getting the fucking stars to light up just right to make the 500 meter walk possible.

I cashed in some favours, made some promises, and greased a few palms. Typical business practices in Russia, the military is no different, maybe worse. Either road, our first obstacle was getting out Alcatraz; this part of the base, where all the spetsnaz guys are, is the hardest because security is the tightest. Without giving away classified information, no one enters this sector without going through a brief battery of biometrics and finally a checkmark in a roster of personnel. All the detectors and cameras around observe pretty much everything happens, especially in the high security areas - and the entrance/exit is such a high security area. A military badge to make out of the regular part of the base out onto the airport parking area.

Anyone familiar with our special forces, uniforms consist pretty much of whatever you find laying around. Sometimes we buy our own. Look at any spetsnaz picture and at least one of us are wearing tennis shoes. The point of all of this is that getting Bert to dress the part was nothing difficult. Temperatures are hovering around freezing so we hooked Bert up with a GORKA suit, some mud boots, and a sock hat, altogether making him look inconspicuous. And we gave him a bogus biometrics card which the guard will swipe into the computer and compare with the measurements.

We had a very short window of opportunity to get Bert through the checkpoints and Shadowstalker to travel astrally out of the base.

The clock started ticking...

First, the roster. Sasha knows the guard somehow. So he became all chummy and rattled off our names and made idle smalltalk so that the guard did not realise that there were six of us rather than the usual five - me, Sasha, Lyosha, Roma, and Natasha.

Second, the harder part, biometrics. We did not have a lot of time left, so Bert had to go first. We rehearsed everything that would happen. "The first thing the guard will say is XYZ and then you do ABC." The peculiar readings, thanks to Shadowstalker's help, would seem perfectly normal to the guard.

There was only one problem. Oleg, he used to be on my team, came running up. He knows my team pretty, even served with some. He did not seem to pay attention to Bert, probably just figuring him to be a random straggler or something like that.

"Kolya! Let me go first, I am in a hurry."

"Get Bert through," I said under my breath as Oleg approached. Once he got through the biometrics there was a much smaller margin for error, particularly worrisome for me was if someone started talking to Bert. It takes about 30 seconds to get through the biometrics booth... if everything goes well.

"Hey," I said, stumbling for something to say. "Where's the fire? What's happening?"

Bert was in the enclosure which houses the surveillance cameras, retina scanner, finger print analyser, and weight scales.

I wanted to get one more person through before letting Oleg in, just in case someone tried to talk to Bert.

"Cargo plane arrived, and some of my guys are on it. I want to go meet them," Oleg responded.

"Anyone I know?"

My mobile phone started ringing. It was Sasha; he had dialed from inside his pocket. I was mumbling something about this and that, raised my finger indicating one more second to Oleg. I turned around and saw Bert was cycling out of the biometrics booth. I made eye contact with Natasha and she quickly moved in the booth. "Ok, bye," I said, and put my mobile back in my pocket.

"Sorry about that. Please, you can go after Natalia. See you later," I said, slapping him on the shoulder as he walked to the front of the line.

After Natasha went through I called her mobile. "Don't let anyone talk to Bert."

When I see Oleg come out, I ask him for cigarette. As he passds me the cigarette, I started to walk towards the gate a bit, away from Bert.

"Ah, I need light, too," I said, still walking.

He gave me his lighter and I lighted the cigarette, and gave him the lighter back. "Thanks," I said.

"See ya," he said and continued to walk towards the runways.

I returned to Bert and said him, "the difficult part is over," and smiled.

He looks good in Russian GORKA uniform, by the way.

So now we in the normal part of the base waiting. Such welcome relief... breaking out of our own base... feels strange at the same time.

Holister wrote:Breasts...what? Who is showin' of their breasts? Wait, this is a public place, but where are the breasts?

on a chicken...

Natasha wrote:

Holister wrote:Breasts...what? Who is showin' of their breasts? Wait, this is a public place, but where are the breasts?

on a chicken...

We knew Holister was odd. But that is just sick

I'm deeply sorry for all the trouble I caused Kolya. If I can ever make it up to you, just ask. Name anything. Also, had I known something like this would ever happen, I would've learned Russian. Not that I could've spoken for myself but at least I'd have known what everyone was saying.

Awww shucks

You were looking pretty sharp yourself, Natasha.

I hooked back up with Kolya, and the rest we are now off to set Bert up with some place safe to stay.

Ron Caliburn wrote:Bert, see what I mean about Stalin's Eugenics program?

Oh yeah.

Bert_the_Turtle wrote:I'm deeply sorry for all the trouble I caused Kolya. If I can ever make it up to you, just ask. Name anything. Also, had I known something like this would ever happen, I would've learned Russian. Not that I could've spoken for myself but at least I'd have known what everyone was saying.

Apologies are not necessary, Bert.

You never know when you are going to need to use the Russian language. Always expect the unexpected!

I have a couple of ideas for favours though - easy fun stuff, really. You will see. We can talk about them after the weekend, if there is still a planet, of course

Bert_the_Turtle wrote:

Ron Caliburn wrote:Bert, see what I mean about Stalin's Eugenics program?

Oh yeah.

She might even autograph a picture for you

*grabs polaroid camera, and readies digital cam on cellphone*

Natasha You are gaining a fan club it seems.

Eek!

Or however American girls giggle at boys

I'm sorry honey, I'm no boy. Boys run around acting all immature, acting like retards with their heads up their asses, being irresponsible, disrespectful, rude, crude, and uncouth. They also tend to open their mouth and close their ears and eyes.

... with sloppy slippery grips, too, seems?

That is a zinger.

An autographed picture of Natasha.... sounds good. I need some proof of my adventure, not that I can really tell anyone about it, hahaha!

And, I agree somewhat with the comment about boys that was given. Although, the right girl'll make ya feel (and probably act) like one again regardless of how old and/or mature you may be.

Kolya, if I can help with this end of the world thing I will, although my hands are seriously tied til i get back in contact with my government.

Oh, and anything has to be better then trying to fake-out ultra-secure checkpoints. I haven't been that scared since, uhh, that incident I posted about when I first joined.

Kolya if you need I can also stick around a little longer and offer help?

Natasha wrote:... with sloppy slippery grips, too, seems?

Good one there, pretty lady.

Bert_the_Turtle wrote:Kolya, if I can help with this end of the world thing I will, although my hands are seriously tied til i get back in contact with my government.

Yea, afraid there is nothing at this time. In the mean time.

Bert_the_Turtle wrote:Oh, and anything has to be better then trying to fake-out ultra-secure checkpoints. I haven't been that scared since, uhh, that incident I posted about when I first joined.

Yea, I was pretty nervous, too. You handled it very well.

Even scarier perhaps is the old lady you will be staying with.

More details very soon. Things just got overwhelmingly busy here.

I will be in touch.

Shadowstalker wrote:Kolya if you need I can also stick around a little longer and offer help?

I cannot think of anything at the moment. Everything seems to be in order regarding this side situation.

Back at base though, apparently a lot of it hit the fan...

Bert, I will come by soon with some clothes for you. I had to sell our castle for the blue jeans, you know...

The old lady will try very hard to talk to you. You can talk to her back, even though neither of you understand a thing you say. She is very happy to have you as her guest.. so when she tries to pull you to the table, do not fight her.

Kolya: Okie Dokie

Natasha: You had to sell your home to afford bluejeans? I'm not quite graping what you said.

And, so long as I'm sitting at the table and not laying on it, i'll be fine.