Snake Oil?

[Gotham Witch]

I had a very unusual request from someone. The person contacted me through my business phone number, asking if I was good at tracking down hard to find things. When I pressed for clarification, he asked if I knew where to find something called 'snake oil'.

I'm not taking the case - I'm an investigator, not a procurer. That said, a I've seen some sparse references to this here and there, but aside from a term for miracle cures that don't work, I have no idea what this is. Any ideas, Lazloites?

[Doctor Boggs]

Hey GW, long time no see!

I've run across plenty of 'snake oil salesmen' over the years, but can't say as I remember any of them selling something more useful than tap water. I vaguely recall some rumors a few years back in Tijuana... but I wasn't precisely there on business, so who knows?

Not terribly helpful but hello anyway.

[Gotham Witch]

At least something made you come out of the woodwork, Boggs.

Anyone else?

[Doctor Boggs]

It's not my fault there was such a dangerous overabundance of fine beverages in Vegas, someone had to fight the tide!

You're welcome.

[Gotham Witch]

Old soldiers never die, or something.

Anyway, a friend tipped me off a bit about snake oil. She said it was some alchemical stuff - rumored to be a miracle cure for 'those in need'. She didn't have much more to go off of though.

Strangely, I tried to contact the man who requested me to find him some to decline, but his number was disconnected.

[Grace]

Hey hey! I don't know anything about snake oil but I know awesome when I see it.

Glad to see you posting again, Sugar Daddy!

[Doctor Boggs]

Sounds like a bad business GW, maybe you're best clear of it.

And Grace, I'd know that sass mouth anywhere. How are ya little girl?

[Grace]

Would you believe married and a mother now? Holy crap old man, you've been away a long time.

[Ron Caliburn]

Snake Oil is an old American folk remedy/scam which may originate from a few different sources, some of them literally involving snakes.

Original genuine snake oil may be one of a dozen different things.

[Gotham Witch]

I... think I got threatened by a senior citizen today.

I was... well, politely interrogated by an elderly man outside of the Border today, while I was catching up with people. He was interested in my inquiries about snake oil - something that I haven't really investigated for a couple weeks since my would-be customer had vanished.

I politely told him I knew nothing about the topic, but he was rather insistent, not letting me walk into the subway as he asked me all manner of questions - who I had been talking to, what my interest was in the topic, etc. Most of these were questions I really couldn't answer - I didn't know what it was, and even if I did know who my client was I couldn't tell him such.

Finally, he apologized for his insistence, thanking me for the time, but warning me politely that dropping the matter was smart on my part and that I should 'let the matter rest'. After that he hobbled off, muttering something about a good soak and a fifth of gin.

Strange.

[Cybermancer]

Never underestimate how threatening a senior citizen can be. My god-father is a senior citizen and can be one of the most threatening men I know. I'm sure you don't believe me because you've never seen him be nice and sweet but I'll tell you, he can swing that cane.

[Hannah]

Now hush Matt.

Austin is a kindly, pleasant fellow and certainly only ever swung his cane at you if you deserved it . . . which I expect would happen frequently

Hannah

[Gotham Witch]

You probably deserved it, Matt.

I got a knock at my door the other day - my house door, that is. Since I don't list my address on my business card, it was unexpected.

It was a woman, maybe in her early middle age. She asked me about someone named Maurice and if he had visited me again. When I expressed confusion, she described the old man who had given me a 'shake down' earlier about the snake oil inquiry - apparently he's gone.

That's when things got interesting - she wanted to pay me to find him. She wasn't very forthcoming on details aside from what he looked like, where he liked to hang out, and one or two of his 'fraternity buddies' - I'll be looking them up later.

Stranger and stranger this gets.

[Cybermancer]

Apparently it is pick on Matt day. I will have to mark it on my calendar for next year.

Weren't you looking for work, Mel? Maybe you should take the case.

[Doctor Boggs]

Seems like an awful lot of funny business going on, but if it's going to come knocking at your door might be you should look into things a little closer.

And double check your home security, just in case.

[Gotham Witch]

The lady's contacts have been... less than helpful. All of them are older (or at least, older looking) individuals, often severely arthritic, and barely answering a single question I pose to them, even after I note I was asked to try and find their friend. One or two of them even thought I 'damn well knew' where he was.

Suspicious lot. Now I'm wondering who even tried to commission me to find out about this 'snake oil' stuff in the first place was.

Some investigation by a certain snoop in my life, however, suggests there's more to meets the eye with this. Several of Maurice's friends have connections with folks in various supernatural investigation or enthusiast groups. Someone running a tabloid even claimed one of his friends was seen in the area near Flatbush after witnessing a fight between a large, 'muscle bound ghoul' and a similarly endowed, scaly armed brawler. When questioned, however, he says that the reporter was 'addled on something' and hobbled off.

[Gotham Witch]

I really should have wrapped this up ages ago. There are certain points I need to redact by request of those involved, but I was given the green light to tell what happened.

I got a lucky break when a homeless woman noted that she had seen someone fitting Maurice's description, and that he had been seen being dragged into a blue mini van near Canarsie, in Brooklyn. A few locals confirmed her story, and a nearby bodega owner noted seeing a well-dressed individual talking to Maurice multiple times, offering to pay him for something. This was notable because Maurice was apparently well known in the area for 'taking care of weird stuff'.

A bit more digging (thanks Jinx) came up with a name of this fellow and an address. Of course, I went back to the lady's contacts - Maurice's friends and occasional allies with this information. The second time around, they were considerably more helpful, though still rather wary. They noted the well dressed fellow had been after the recipe for snake oil - a substance that apparently bestows supernatural abilities in otherwise normal individuals - apparently to extend his own life. Hired goons had apparently attacked some of them earlier, though had considerably less luck than when they went after Maurice.

I of course offered my services in helping to find and free Maurice - help they begrudgingly accepted.

[Gotham Witch]

Our apparent kidnapper owned a warehouse along the Brooklyn pier. Finding the right one was a bit difficult, but Jinx has her ways. One of Maurice's friends followed behind us. He didn't seem to be fit for this sort of work, but insisted the arthritis was just for show and that he was fit when it counted. I didn't buy it, but I wasn't really up for arguing against my elders.

We went in through a basement entrance along the dock, and after a short walk down a tunnel we came upon a small workshop that reminded me of a creepy shack in the woods, with various cutting tools, chains, hooks and other items ranging from the walls.

Pinned to the table with a pair of vice grips was a large, squirming grub the size of a sausage. Next to the grub was a pile of papers and notes documenting various 'experiments' (mostly nonsense), largely dealing with how to deal with cancer. Peering around, we found some cages with similar sorts of grubs. I remember becoming rather nervous upon realizing what they were; grave larvae.

I've heard stories of people digging these things up, especially more foolhardy arcanists. They have an odd tendency of taking in ambient magical energy, and are sometimes coveted as an easy source of juice for a needy mage. Likely, that's what someone was doing with these things. The problem is the odd propensity of them breaking loose and eating their would-be captors. After all, they are larva.

I made it a point to usher everyone out of the room, noting that they could be a danger. Maurice's friend, who I shall call Hornsby, had a different tune, however - apparently being in their presence made him feel a lot better than he normally did, and asked if he could take one along - he apparently had an idea. I thought he was insane, but he assured me that there would be no problems. Reluctantly, I relented.

We found Maurice tied up upstairs, surrounded by several gangbangers wielding pistols. He looked rather banged up, with a series of cuts and bruises along his naked arms, face, and chest. Nearby, a man in a lab coat fitting the description of the one who had approached all of Maurice's friends was sitting at a table full of medical analysis equipment, looking through a microscope at a slide of what I assumed to be blood. He had a rather sickly looking complexion about him - later I would learn he had been undergoing chemotherapy for advanced cancer.

This is where things get interesting. Hornsby shouted to Maurice as a heads up, before tossing the grub. I remember a look of horror on the 'doctor's face as the grub went tumbling and landing at the doctor's feet with a disgusting splotch noise, wiggling.

Maurice just grinned as he flexed, his ropes tearing away as he suddenly became... well, a lot stronger. He was also a lot faster - even before the hired goons could draw and aim weapons, he was not only free, but grabbing a goon with the strength of an Olympic athlete.

As this went down, Jinx began to lay down fire with her Glock, causing some of the remaining goons to dive for cover. As one of them fired a few wild shots at us, I managed to get off a spell, locking and wholesale removing the slide on his handgun.

At this point,the doctor began panic as he dove for cover behind a table. Confirming my suspicions, he began to wave his arms and focus some magical energy, invoking some sort of magical spell. Nearby, the shadows twisted and stretched as some sort of being pulled itself away, its form nothing but twisting darkness.

The thing attempted to lunge at Maurice - which, while worrying at first, which proved to be a big mistake. There was an odd flash of light as he suddenly grew... like, really grew. Not only was he definitely a bit taller, but his arms were massive and covered in what seemed to be scales. With one hard sweep, he managed to knock the shadow being back into corner.

The mage attempted to cast something else - a fire spell by the sound of it, clearly panicked. Before I could shout a warning, the worm at his feet suddenly and instantly grew from the size of a bratwurst to something much, much larger. The last words of the spell caught in the kidnapper's throat, he could only stare in horror as the worm opened its maw and swallowed him whole.

"That'll teach him." Maurice said with contempt as he watched the now massive worm lay there lethargically, the vague outline of his dinner bulging from its olive green skin as he was quickly (And fatally) constricted. It would be another minute before the adult (?) worm simply vanished in a flash of light, meal and all. The shadow being likewise beat vanished to whence it came.

The three remaining goons, realizing they were outgunned and dealing with transforming men and worms, quickly made a run for it, dropping his gun as he bolted out the front door. I found out later he turned himself in, though he managed to plea insanity after screaming about worms and lizard-popeyes or some nonsense.

Maurice's friend - the lady who hired me - gave me double the offered payment despite my protests. Apparently Maurice and his friends had all chipped in as a thanks, and told me to look them up if I ever needed help.

Advice of the day - treat your elders right. They might knock your block off otherwise.

[Nemesis]

I wonder of these grave larva you talk about are the same thing as the death worms I was shown while at the Foundation. If they are, they are best used right away as part of a blood sacrifice. At least that's been my experience.

P.S. Did you save any?

[Gotham Witch]

They were subject to a mysterious warehouse basement fire, I'm afraid.

[Nemesis]

Unfortunate. Dr. James would like me to dissect something of non-conventional origin.

[Gotham Witch]

I don't imagine they dissect well. They tend to disincorporate just like any other non-native creature. Besides, what happened to that kidnapper with the worm suddenly growing could just as easily happen to you.

[Nemesis]

Part of the problem I'm supposed to resolve is how to dissect something that normally discorporates. I'm inclined to believe one would have to do it while they are still alive but I am to explore other possibilities.

While sudden enlargement out of larva stage is a difficulty, it is also one that can be anticipated and the danger can then be managed appropriately.

[Gotham Witch]

If dissection were easy, it might be slightly easier to convince people the weird exists. As it stands dear niece, that isn't the case.

This might not have quite wrapped up as easily as I may have first suggested. Someone likely had to tip the doctor off regarding Maurice and his friends, the snake oil (whatever it is), and any miraculous healing properties he thought they might have. As well, Jinx went over some financial notes he left behind and clearly someone was paying him to do his butcher work.

Though the operation is shut down, I'm not entirely convinced Maurice and his 'fraternity' are safe. That being said, I feel like they can take better care of themselves than they appear, so I am inclined to let this rest for now.

[Nemesis]

Dissection is definitely not easy but it is possible. As is preservation of examples. I've seen them.

I wonder is some examples of frauds we see in rags are really frauds or failed attempts at holding a supernatural being's physical body together after death. After all most dis-corporations are merely the dispersal of the physical elements it used in order to maintain a physical body in our material world.

So many supernatural beings rely on some sort of human body-often a corpse-in order to exist in this plane. It really makes you wonder. I may have to write an article about this at some point.

Anyway, I always like reading your adventures. It makes me think about possible future careers for myself.

[Gotham Witch]

Thanks Niece. Truth be told, I wish I could take a more scientific approach about it in my work, but there are others who are better at that than I am. In the end, I'm more often a trouble shooter and investigator than any real researcher.

Why they can't just leave us alone, we may never know. I'm just there to make them go away.

I'm sure whatever path you eventually end up taking, you'll do quite well in.

[Ron Caliburn]

Of course she will. She's a Grant afterall.

[Gotham Witch]

I can hear the fatherly pride in that text.

[Kolya]

I have no idea what's going on with that family anymore but they seem happy then so am I.

[Hannah]

Hi Kolya,

Next time you are in New York, I'll fill you in.

Hannah

PS: I'll also show you my engagement ring!